Jimmy Johns Gourmet Sandwiches October 9, 2008

I loathe the term gourmet as an adjective, in virtually every context. It’s technically a noun but by common bastardization it has turned into a sometime adjective. Jimmy John’s commits this sin in the worst way possible, it advertises its sandwiches as being “gourmet,” yet no real gourmet would ever set foot in such a hackneyed establishment. Gourmet to Jimmy John (If he even exists, I doubt but just this once, I’m hoping there is some dickhole somewhere named Jimmy John who opened a sub par sub shop that took off despite its mediocre offerings.) must mean really chewy, dense bread and tons of mayonnaise.

Viro’s Italian Bakery August 22, 2008

Jessica and Noel invited me to Viro’s Italian Bakery for dinner on Thursday.  I had no idea where or what it was but I was intrigued anyway.  It’s located at 22nd and Sarnoff or as it’s also known, Bum Fuck Egypt the east side.  I have nothing against east side of town specifically but something about it just doesn’t feel right, like it’s in another town.  It’s rare that I get over that far east unless I’m looking in vain for farmer’s market that I’m starting to think doesn’t exist.  Jessica has a pretty good eye, or is it ear, for finding the east side’s hidden gems so Cal and I packed some provisions and loaded up the car.

Turns out Viro’s is a bakery (no shit) that also serves panini sandwiches, subs and a few hot pasta dishes.  Thursday night is spaghetti and meatballs night but since I’m still sort of reeling from the all you can eat extravaganza that is The Elbow Room I opted for the panino vesuvio:  Hot sopressata,  hot cappocolla, hot cappy, pepper jack cheese, lettuce, tomato, red peppers and Viro’s house dressing.  They offer the option of having it pressed on the panini press, which I highly recommend.  I also got the pasta salad on the side for an extra fifty cents.

The sandwich was fantastic.  There perfect quantities of all the fillings, no one out shined the others.  The three different meats, which aren’t all that different to begin with, melded well with the cheese and the vegetables were all fresh and crisp.  The pasta salad didn’t fare quite as well, though I’m not going to hold that against them, anything held all day in a little plastic cup is going to lose some of its integrity.  The meal also came with a chocolate chip cookie which Jessica thought contained just a hint of butterscotch.  It was a good finish.

Cal got the pork cutlet sandwich and an order of mozzarella stix (their spelling).  I know he fucking loved his sandwich since he basically shut down and quit talking.  I think I saw him give it a little kiss, a little fondling, whispered in its ear a little.

The mozzarella stix were a thing to behold.  They were perfectly breaded with a real light batter.  They broke apart and the gooey cheese extended from mouth to hand.  These are, I’m not shitting you in any shape or form, the best mozzarella sticks ever created.  I’m serious, these mozzarella sitx deserve a creation myth.

Noel got a chicken parmigiano sub that looked to be just as tasty as everything else.  He declared it a full success.  Jessica had a panino prosciutto without some veggies I’m sure, which she seemed to enjoy.  They were enamored with the mozzarella stix as well.  After we finished we all went to browse the desert case.  Viro’s has an extensive pastry offering serving everything from cannolis to black and white cookies.  I had one of the aforementioned cookies as well as a little tart shaped like a pie.

The pie shaped tart was delicious, every bit as delectable as it was adorable.  The black and white cookie was a little spongy and not something I’d get from Viro’s again.  Cal got a cannoli.  While everyone was decided Cal kept reminding us that he was, “getting his cannoli filled.”  Good one, dude.  He originally was going to get it to go but then took one look and had to eat it immediately.

Noel got one of the biggest pieces of German chocolate cake I’ve ever seen.  He put in a good six or seven minutes of work and only got a quarter of the way through.  I think he may have passed out in the middle.  Jessica got a mini eclair and a mini cream puff.

The interior of Viro’s is pretty nondescript, they sell a few Italian canned items and offer a deli featuring Boar’s Head meats (who cares).  Viro’s is the first east side restaurant that I’d return to for deserts or sandwiches.  They also advertised a Friday fish fry and a Sunday breakfast buffet which looked possibly the best breakfast in all of town (sorry giant Bobo’s pancake).  I give Viro’s  8.5 mozzarella stixx (the extra x is for extra ass kicking).

http://virosbakery.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/VirosmenuPg1.pdf

Sandwich Rule No. 7 August 6, 2008

Add Bacon.  It makes it better, not just the sandwich, your life.

Sandwich Rule No. 6 July 22, 2008

A sandwich is as much about texture as it is about flavor.  Differing layers of crsipy, chewey, gooey, crunchy, dense, light or slippery can turn your sandwich from mere lunch to a tasting experience that you won’t soon forget.  A good texture tenant to stand by is that the sloppier the filling the rougher the bread.  That means grilled cheese and PB&J’s are better on toast.  I think we can all agree on that.  Some people might ask, “What about the sloppy joe? You don’t eat sloppy joes on toast.”  To which I would reply, “Try toasting the bun, amatuer.”  That goes for all barbecue style sandwiches.  Toast those buns and you’ll find out what I’m talking about.  Now as for a denser, ok meatier, sandwich, you have to have soft bread.  We’re talking about meatball sandwiches or cheese steaks here.  I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions here, rules are merely rules.

Sandwich Rule No. 5 July 12, 2008

When crafting a sandwich for another there are some general guidelines about filling placement.  Meat must touch cheese if they are sharing bread.  In addition, either meat or cheese must be the bottom layer of filling.  Lettuce, or any other leafy green, must be next to the top most layer of bread but may be featured on different levels as well as long as it also appears just beneath the top bread.  Condiments must, at least, touch either meat or cheese.  For a sandwich to go bread-condiment-lettuce-cheese-meat-bread is unacceptable.  You basically loose the condiment.  All other additional filling items must be contained between the leafy green and the meat cheese combination.  Sandwiches, that are acceptable, even delicious may exist outside of this construction archetype but be prepared for potential mishap.

Sandwich Rule No. 4 July 10, 2008

Experiment.  Get creative.  How else are we going to find out how delicious Tuna BLT’s are or cheese and pickle sandwiches?  Do something crazy, it just might work.  There’s no shame in failing, we’re only talking about sandwiches.  Unless you own a sandwich shop, then failing is incredibly shameful.

Sandwich Rule No. 3 July 10, 2008

While a sandwich can and often will be merely a vehicle for a particular condiment, said condiment must never be catsup. Catsup has no place on any sandwich. If you can produce a sandwich that is improved upon by the addition of catsup then I will give twenty dollars. It’s not a lot of money but, seriously, it’s a fucking sandwich. That has catsup on it.

Sandwich Rule No. 2 July 7, 2008

If you can’t fit your mouth around the sandwich, it’s too big.  The bigger your mouth is the bigger the sandwich you can make, it’s as simple as that.  This is something most sandwich shops don’t seem to understand and I have to wonder has anyone embraced our culture of excess more readily than sandwich shops?  What am I some kind of robot with a metal jaw? I can’t disstend this part of my face like a snake you know.  I would like to thank Baggins for always upholding this rule and I would also like Beyond Bread to take a good long look in the mirror and decide if making sandwiches is really what it wants to be doing.

Sandwich Rule No. 1 July 7, 2008

Know your bread.  You can’t put peanut butter on rye and you shouldn’t waste a nice garilc aioli on wonder bread. Sure if you’re going bologna and mustard, flop that shit in the middle of some Roman Meal but if you have a red pepper pesto and roasted turkey breast with Jarlsberg and heirloom tomatoes, give it a good foundation.  The bread is the house your sandwich lives in until you eat it.  Give it a good home.

Montana Avenue June 16, 2008

If you want to know what’s wrong with something, just ask my grandmother, Lulu.  On all subjects, from girlfriends to hair cuts, no matter how proud you are of either, she’ll let you know.  She’s such a critic.  And her critiques are much funnier when they aren’t directed at you or someone you love.

Upon entering Montana Avenue I was confronted with a smell.  It was possibly an air conditioner breaking down or maybe someone rubbed dog shit in my face when I wasn’t looking.  Not a hot start.  We sat down and our waitress came over to take our drink orders.  She did so competently and with a smile but as she left Lulu said, “What’s wrong with her voice, I can’t stand it, it’s making my ears hurt.”  I guess she did have kind of a high voice but I seriously wouldn’t have noticed it at all.  But since Lulu pointed it out, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, until as she brought the check I was in complete concordance, “Oh, yeah, her voice sounds like cats fighting.”

I had a garden salad to start with dressing on the side.  It had greens, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, cojita cheese and roasted corn.  A pretty nice mix, I didn’t use the dressing.  It was orange but I forget what it was.  One thing to note about Montana Avenue is that they get their tomatoes from Wilcox.  They are always the best part of any  meal you eat there.  Make sure you order something with tomatoes or just ask for some tomatoes, what are they going to say?  I had a grilled chicken sandwich with Monterrey jack cheese.  I didn’t eat the bun and had them replace the mayonnaise with mustard.  They actually had a pretty nice mustard, a little dijon-y.  I got the mixed vegetables instead of fries but they turned out to be potatoes, sun dried tomatoes and peas in some whole grain mustard.  C’mon, that’s only one vegetable and peas are marginal at best.

Lulu had a turkey chop salad that was bigger than her purse.  It was doused in some kind of vinaigrette but she couldn’t tell what kind.  As far as I could tell, she at one eighth of it and needed a nap.  She went on a pretty long tangent about how big salads are everywhere you go.  I can’t disagree, salads are as big as Midwesterners at most places.

When we were almost finished Jim Click came in to watch Tiger Woods pull the US Open out of his small intestines.  He looks almost exactly like he does in his commercials.  I just wish his son had been there so I could have punched him in the stomach.

Some other things my grandmother hated this afternoon:  where I live, my tattoo, Carl’s Jr., those Sonic commercials with two people riffing in a car, and peanut butter cookies.

Some things she admitted to liking:  Larry McMurtry, that commercial with the guy and the huge umbrella, Jack’s neurologist (He’s in the hospital) Dr. Larry Aguilar, no snow birds and no students.

I love my grandma.

Montana Avenue is probably my favorite of The Fox Restaurants which doesn’t really say all that much but I give it 6.8 of the best tomatoes you can buy around here.

Montana Avenue is wildly popular on the Internet:

“The cost for 2 beers, 2 appetizers, 2 entrees and an Ice Tea…. $62.00 $62.00??? Am I reading this right? For 62.00 I’ll be coming back here on a weekly basis!” – Patrick O.

“Their meatloaf is more meaty than loafy (almost like a burger) and the tomato glaze was a little too intense for me” – Eiki I.

“Makes a great place for lunch prior to or after a COSTCO run.” – Jeff T.