I loathe the term gourmet as an adjective, in virtually every context. It’s technically a noun but by common bastardization it has turned into a sometime adjective. Jimmy John’s commits this sin in the worst way possible, it advertises its sandwiches as being “gourmet,” yet no real gourmet would ever set foot in such a hackneyed establishment. Gourmet to Jimmy John (If he even exists, I doubt but just this once, I’m hoping there is some dickhole somewhere named Jimmy John who opened a sub par sub shop that took off despite its mediocre offerings.) must mean really chewy, dense bread and tons of mayonnaise.
I went to Jimmy John’s on a random afternoon. I had eaten one of their sandwiches before at the behest of Travis Spillers. I’m not try to call Travis out as a Jimmy enthusiast but it was his idea. We ordered them for lunch on a Saturday, I got some kind of club. I don’t remember which one exactly but it doesn’t matter, it tasted like a shot of mayonnaise with a stale bread backer. I’m serious, the mayo ate through the bread and was about to take over my body like Spiderman’s alien costume (nerd alert) but I was able to stuff it back into the bag and hurl it against the wall just in time.
This time I just got a roast beef sandwich. Now Jimmy John’s has a bunch of advertising telling us how fast their service and delivery times are and to be fair they can back it up. I think my sandwich was done before I was even sure that it was the one that I really wanted. It was definitely done before I took my wallet out of my pocket. I got a drink and some chips which still made it in under ten bucks which is pretty good. The sandwich however wasn’t. It was tough to chew. The bread was white, no other options existed or at least I wasn’t offered any, and doughy. It’s fine to just offer the one style of bread but you should at least make it tasty. They also use shaved lettuce strands which is really just code for we use shitty lettuce. The tomatoes were not quite ripe and I got an end slice, not a slice toward the end, an end slice. There was again the slick salve of mayonnaise coating the inside of the sandwich like edible (barely) caulking. The sandwich also had cheese on it, I think it was provolone but I couldn’t really taste it.
After two visits I feel confident that Jimmy John’s is a complete waste of everyone’s time, from the construction crew that put it together to the people that work there to the unlucky saps who actually eat there. If you do happen to be one of the few devotees to Jimmy John’s may I recommend that you check out their website: http://www.jimmyjohns.com and purchase some of their “Jimmy Gear.” (Which is not clothes for your penis, I know what you’re thinking perverts.) I give Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches three extra dollops of mayonnaise on your sandwich which you did not want in the first place.