Cal and I have eaten at the Trident Grill on a two occasions. Most recently we checked it out on a weeknight hoping to catch the first game of the World Series. It wasn’t too crowded but there was enough people to give it a decent ambiance. We sat underneath one of the bigger televisions so Kevin and Cal could get a good view of the game, I don’t really care who wins so I conceded the seats.
Valarie and I drove to Ikea yesterday, mostly out of boredom and a recent paycheck. Once braving the horrid drive up I-10 we were hungry and wanting to eat at the mythical Pizzeria Bianco. Unfortunately, after a call placed to Sarah, we learned that it was closed on Sundays and Mondays (My days off) and only open for dinner. Since we were stopped right by Ikea and Valarie didn’t think she could shop around without eating something first we decided to eat at the Ikea cafeteria.
If I were to compare the food at the Ikea Cafeteria to food I’ve eaten at museums, zoos or amusement parks it would get a favorable review. However, I review restaurants on this blog so I’m going to have to review it against other restaurants. That being the case, the food was sub par. I had a plate of penne and meatballs with a piece of garlic toast and a small salad on the side. The pasta was gummy and flavorless, the sauce odd with big hunks of zucchini being the only taste willing to be identified outside of canned tomato. The meatballs were the same ones you get with the Swedish meatballs. The garlic toast was the clear winner on my tray, of course who could fuck up garlic toast? My salad had a nice mix of greens but the only other additional component was some cherry tomatoes. I ate six of them, pretty fresh.
Valarie had the chicken fingers. The must of tasted better than they looked since she ate all four of them. The fries were pretty average, though I’ve definitely had worse. I always find it funny when I order something as an adult that I might have ordered when I was eleven. Sometimes it makes me feel like I still haven’t grown up but other times I respect the decision, I mean, how can you go wrong with chicken fingers? Eating at the cafeteria at Ikea is the perfect opportunity for such a transgression.
The only thing that really bothered me at Ikea’s cafeteria was the little guilt trip they lay on you about bussing your own tables. I have no problem bussing my own table, I just don’t like being told to do so. There was a little sign that mentioned our self bussing allowed them to keep their prices low. I’m not worried about the fucking overhead at god damn Ikea, the furniture is so cheaply made their mark up must be five hundred percent. Plus if they hired more people to buss tables there would be more people in Phoenix with jobs. So the only thing I really have to say to the Ikea Cafeteria is, “Screw you, guilt mongers.”
I give the Ikea cafeteria four self bussed tables. Valarie bought a bunch of stuff including a pretty cool rug and something to keep cereal in. I don’t think in seven years I’ve ever even heard Valarie mention eating cereal. We used that container to hold a banana peel on the way home. I bet it’s still in there.
Wildflower is located on the northwest side at Ina and Oracle. It’s one of the Fox Restaurant Concepts that speckle this town like a pox. While none serve outwardly bad food, they all offer the same canned ambiance and Wildflower is no exception. I went with my grandparents and sat outside in order to take in the grand view of the mountains and a rather luxurious Brake Max.
Lulu started off with a really precious rant about cell phones possibly rotting my brain or giving me cancer. I tried to explain to her that I hardly ever talk on it but it was to no avail. I think she read it in a James Patterson book. Jack was in good spirits having recently decided not to tuck his shirt anymore. I know I’ve said this before in this blog but I really love my grandparents. It was solidified even further when, after eating a piece of bread with some legitimately tasty chive butter, Lulu declared she could, “just shovel this stuff in my mouth.”
I started off with a spicy tuna tartare salad which consisted of said tuna, avocados and cucumbers. When I ordered it, I thought I’d be getting something really healthy. Instead the tuna was slathered in an orangey mayonnaise and sat in a soy sauce bath. Still it wasn’t too bad the production was just a little sloppy. It was also thirteen dollars. Lulu and Jack split a spinach salad which the both thought was excellent. Lulu declared herself full as soon as she finished. While clearing our salad plates the waiter asked if we were through, “enjoying our salads.” I wanted to say, “Actually, pal, I never started enjoying it.” But it wasn’t his fault I thought what he said was stupid.
For my main course I ordered the sirloin with a side of tomatoes and wild greens. I ordered my steak medium rare but it came out the grey side of medium. I realized half way through my dinner that I’d ordered a steak salad that cost twenty dollars. The tomatoes were cut into huge discs, basically just the top and bottom were cut off. Not too big a deal since I love tomatoes but they were kind of difficult to eat. The greens were fresh but consisted mostly of arugula, hardly the wildest of greens. Lulu’s braised short ribs were pedestrian though she loved them. It’s always frustrating to pay twenty five dollars for something you can easily put together at home. I have to mention the crazy amount of flies that were buzzing around our table. There must have been a dead raccoon stuffed somewhere near us because they were incessant.
Wildflower was pretty average. I suppose in the world of Fox Restaurants Wildflower is just Montana Avenue with a bigger dick. I give it six sloppy bits of raw tuna.
What The Hell Are You Eating? 